The One-on-One Tough Talk
BONUTS CONTENT: Resolving conflict is a different animal, but some of the previous tips apply
Over the last ten months I’ve posted new Tough Talk tips every week or two. The tips are based on my twenty years of experience as a strategic communicator and coach helping colleagues communicate with clarity and purpose about difficult topics in order to solve problems.
Click here for the archived posts and start at Tip#1.
This post is not another tip, but a discussion about how to use all the tips in a challenging person-to-person communication.
Ever since I began writing Tough Talk tips, I’ve been approached by friends and connections about how to address a difficult topic clearly and productively with a neighbor, a colleague, or a member of the family.
Those conversations are more like conflict resolution than strategic communications, but we can apply many of the same methods.
The essential difference is that a personal issue between you and someone else may or may not affect others. You have a relationship issue that needs solving and since it’s a private matter between two people, then you can choose to address it or let it go. Most of the time I vote for addressing it, but we’ll get to that in a minute.
The tips I have been sharing here were written for people who have to get out in front of a sticky issue that affects employees, family, customers, your board of directors, volunteers, club members, contributors or other stakeholders in the enterprise.
Big events like laying people off, closing a business, issuing a dismal earnings report, or announcing a leader’s moral failing REQUIRE you to say something. In order to manage or lead with integrity, you must address it.
When it comes to one-on-one relationship issues, you have options. Unless you are someone who honestly doesn’t take things to heart and can easily move on, you should say something. The same principles we’ve been talking about apply here.
1 - decide to have the conversation so you can solve the problem and get it behind you.
2 - work toward the goal of respectfully restored relationship.
3 - communicate to be understood. Use simple words and not too many.
4 - don’t distract with unnecessary detail; focus on the point.
5 - cultivate the right attitude before you start talking.
6 - “agree to disagree” if they are unable/unwilling to understand you.
There are issues between people that must be discussed with the goal of resolution. To live at peace with one another we have to address misunderstanding, create healthy boundaries, and restore broken relationships.
But I also believe that sometimes we’re better off letting go of the smaller issues.
A few years back I decided that I would work on becoming someone who is genuinely difficult to offend. It’s much harder than I expected but I’m making some progress.
When I mentioned this to my boss, he told me about a book he and his wife listened to in the car on a long drive called Unoffendable by Brant Hansen.
It’s a delightful book, not too heavy even though the topic is serious. It’s written in a conversational style and full of great insight and food for thought.
Note: the author is a Christian radio host so the book speaks to a faith-based audience but I think it would work for just about anybody.
Being hard to offend has been good for my emotional health but it doesn’t work in every case. There are times when we’ll have to talk about sticky issues with the people in our lives.
Just because we can shrug some things off doesn’t mean others can. By being willing to talk about difficult topics clearly and with purpose, we can help them live in peace too. That’s a very powerful reason to decide to have the conversation.