TIP #16 | It's okay to say "I don't know"
It happens to everyone no matter how prepared they are
Thank you for being a Tough Talk subscriber or visitor! These tips are based on my 20-plus years of experience helping people address difficult topics with their employees, the media, their board of directors, or their donors.
The tips go in order and can be accessed on this Substack. Each tip is listed below with a link so feel free to start back at #1 or click the link for one that interests you.
Tip #1 - be brave and decide to have the difficult conversation.
Tip #2 - communicate to solve the problem.
Tip #3 - say as much as you can upfront and get it behind you.
Tip #4 - don't say everything! Leave out the unhelpful bits.
Tip #5 - use words we all understand. Be inclusive.
Tip #6 - people will make up their own facts if you don’t start talking. Get in the fray.
Tip #7 - think of the “evergreen” questions people will ask. Start there.
Tip #8 - give your “dreaded question” some thought too. That builds confidence.
Tip #9 - it won’t be perfect but folks are likely to cut you slack if you try to fix it.
Tip #10 - you must have a plan because it’s not just a conversation.
Tip #11 - don’t over communicate. Keep it simple and strategic.
Tip #12 - use real words that have meaning. No word salad.
Tip #13 - be interesting. Say something your audience can remember and repeat.
Tip #14 - get your head right. Your attitude will contribute to your success or not.
Tip #15 - beware of over-explaining. Don’t offer a multi-layered reason.
Which brings us to Tip #16. It’s okay to say, “I don’t know.”
This one is a pretty easy one. Saying “I don’t know” is infinitely better than making something up or sharing inaccurate information.
In fact, there is no comparison between how much better it is to say, “I don’t know” than to paint yourself into a corner, riffing on a response that you’re making up as you go along. Whew, it’s exhausting just to think about it.
There’s probably a great video from a Jim Carrey movie - or something similar - to illustrate this point but I didn’t find anything. You’re going to have to trust me on this and picture someone digging an ever deepening hole as they give made up answers during a Tough Talk. Take it from me, the little movie in my head is truly cringe-worthy.
In an odd way, it lends to your credibility when you admit that you don’t have all the answers. It’s normal that people don’t have all the answers and you want to be normal.
When you’re prepping for a Tough Talk, come up with an answer to the most important questions you would expect to get. That should cover it, but sometimes you will get a question you haven’t thought about yet. Or someone might ask you a question that you don’t know how to answer.
Perhaps the question is a distraction from the problem you’re trying to solve or it crosses the line a bit and you don’t want to get into it. That’s okay too.
Simply say, “I don’t know, but I’m happy to find out and get back to you.” Then, be sure you carefully consider an appropriate answer before you respond privately.
This brings me to a question I often get when I’m prepping someone for a Tough Talk. It’s okay to have a cheat sheet. If your conversation involves specifics like dates, amounts, statistics or anything else that you want to get right, you can refer to your notes.
Let’s say you’re addressing an audience about layoffs at your company. It’s a painful decision that you made after much consultation with experts. You care about each employee affected, so be sure you know exactly how many people are being laid off, what percentage of the overall workforce that represents, any benefits they will be entitled to, and any other relevant numbers or statistics.
If it’s something you really should know, you can’t say, “I don’t know.” Decide to have some notes on hand instead. It’s easy to get flustered during a Tough Talk. Even if you know the answer, you may need your notes as backup.
If you use notes you can say, “I want to be sure I give you the right information, so let me have a look at my notes.” That’s completely normal and people will appreciate that you want to get it right.
But it is not okay to read all of your messages instead of internalizing them so you can deliver them conversationally. Please try to do that. I know it’s hard but it’s important.