Here we go again! I’ve got another tip for you.
Just a reminder, these tips are based on my 20-plus years of experience helping people solve problems by addressing difficult topics with their employees, the media, their board of directors, or their donors.
The tips go in order and so start back with number 1 here on Substack. Each tip is listed below with a link so feel free to start at the beginning or click the link for one that interests you.
Tip #1 - be brave and decide to have the difficult conversation.
Tip #2 - communicate to solve the problem.
Tip #3 - say as much as you can upfront and get it behind you.
Tip #4 - don't say everything! Leave out the unhelpful bits.
Tip #5 - use words we all understand. Be inclusive.
Tip #6 - people will make up their own facts if you don’t start talking. Get in the fray.
Tip #7 - think of the “evergreen” questions people will ask. Start there.
Tip #8 - give your “dreaded question” some thought too. That builds confidence.
Tip #9 - it won’t be perfect but folks are likely to cut you slack if you try to fix it.
Tip #10 - you must have a plan because it’s not just a conversation.
Tip #11 - don’t over communicate. Keep it simple and strategic.
Tip #12 - use real words that have meaning. No word salad.
Tip #13 - be interesting. Say something your audience can remember and repeat.
Tip #14 - get your head right. Your attitude will contribute to your success or not.
Tip #15 - beware of over-explaining. Don’t offer a multi-layered reason.
Tip #16 - it’s okay to say, “I don’t know.” It happens no matter how prepared you are.
Now we’ve arrived at Tip #17 - emotions are good!
Can we agree that having a Tough Talk is hard work? If it wasn’t, I’d probably call this Substack something else.
Since it’s not easy or fun, then sometimes it’s likely to be downright upsetting. And when we’re upset, we often show some emotion. That’s okay. That’s what humans do; they feel things.
When humans feel things, sometimes you can tell by the tone or quality of their voice, the absence of vocal sounds, or by a physical reaction such as crying, shaking their head in frustration, looking at the ground, or covering their face with a hand.
As long as its real, there’s nothing wrong with that in my book. If you’re putting on a show of emotion to gain sympathy, that move will likely backfire. You’re no Denzel Washington. They’ll know you’re acting and people do not like to be manipulated.
When I coach people to talk about hard topics, I tell them that they must practice their messages so they can solve the problem. But I also tell them that trying to train out a physical reaction can look unnatural. If you’re genuinely concerned or upset, your face or your body might show it. Go with it.
Here’s what I mean when I say a display of emotion might be a good thing:
Example #1 - If you’re announcing a financial hardship that will result in layoffs affecting people you care about, then it would be entirely appropriate to express emotion. But if you’re demonstrating that you care about what happens to the people who work for you, then you should also describe the steps your company is taking to help them transition to another job. Match the emotion with some action.
Example #2 - If you’re the problem the organization is trying to solve, ie., you’ve made a mistake you need to atone for, consult with the legal team first and then get in front of your employees or your board. Tell them that an action you took resulted in hard times for the organization, and you are going to fix it. Explain what you’re doing to correct it and commit to walking out the mitigation steps. Show genuine remorse.
Let’s talk a bit about apologies.
Saying the words, “I’m sorry,” is very hard to do. Lawyers are not always on board with it either. Every day we see people in public life - or closer to home - try to bend and twist the truth so that they can avoid having to say, “I was wrong,” “I made a mistake,” or “I apologize.”
Don’t be that person.
Clear it with your legal team; establish some parameters for what you can say that’s true and helpful, but also protects the organization. This part is very important. Don’t cowboy it. Ask your lawyers first.
Show them this if you think it will help. —> Years ago I stumbled on an organization called Sorry Works! which helps people in the medical field disclose genuine error and take corrective action. There’s a lot we can learn from them.
Sorry Works! teaches that when a doctor says, “I’m sorry, I left a sponge inside your body but we’re committed to making this right,” instead of, “gee, I have no idea why you have an infection so let’s get you on some good drugs,” potential court-imposed damage awards are smaller because the doctor took responsibility.
The moral of this story is that not only is an apology more truthful and helpful, it saves the hospital money down the line. Hospitals especially like that last part.
Real people who serve on juries know that apologies for mistakes are a good step in the healing process. And, even more important, they’re the right thing to do every single time.
Work up the right language with your legal team so that you can admit there’s a problem to solve. Then, create a way through it. And finally, show some emotions if you’ve got ‘em.