TIP #14 | Get your head right

Your attitude will either contribute to your success or not

We’re making our way through the top 20 tips on how to address a sticky issue with clarity and purpose. The tips are based on my two decades of experience coaching people on how to talk to their staff, boards, donors and even the news media. If you haven’t started from the beginning, please go back to Tip #1 or find one from the review list below that you want to read and start there. I hope you find this helpful!

Tip #1 - be brave and decide to have the difficult conversation.
Tip #2 - communicate to solve the problem.
Tip #3 - say as much as you can upfront and get it behind you.
Tip #4 - don't say everything! Leave out the unhelpful bits.
Tip #5 - use words we all understand. Be inclusive.
Tip #6 - people will make up their own facts if you don’t start talking. Get in the fray.
Tip #7 - think of the “evergreen” questions people will ask. Start there.
Tip #8 - give your “dreaded question” some thought too. That builds confidence.
Tip #9 - it won’t be perfect but folks are likely to cut you slack if you try to fix it.
Tip #10 - you must have a plan because it’s not just a conversation.
Tip #11 - don’t over communicate. Keep it simple and strategic.
Tip #12 - use real words that have meaning. No word salad.
Tip #13 - be interesting. Say something your audience can remember and repeat.

And now for Tip #14 - don’t ruin a productive Tough Talk with a damaging attitude.

One of the most important things you can take with you into any difficult conversation is the right attitude. A confident, humble, calm and patient attitude will carry you a long way.

On the flip side, defensiveness can ruin an otherwise helpful Tough Talk. There are other problem attitudes to consider, but for now I’m focusing on the perils of a defensive attitude because it’s a common pitfall for people tackling a sticky issue.

When you have a challenging conversation with your staff, board, family, or anyone who might be looking to you for answers about a difficult situation, it’s understandable that you might slip into a defensive attitude.

After all, explaining and defending a set of decisions or actions might be the problem you’re trying to solve. If it is, just be sure you remain approachable and understanding while you address it.

A defensive attitude will ruin an otherwise successful tough talk. Your audience will sense that something’s up. Get your head right. It’s science!

Here’s the science part; recent research reveals that people are defensive during conflict in order to give themselves a break when they do something wrong. Having a Tough Talk isn’t always conflict, but it can sure feel like it.

Typically, the defensive person is engaging in one or more of the following.

• misrepresenting or forgetting an event

• blame-shifting

• trying to preserve their social standing

• minimizing the harm they might have caused

• deflecting or denying responsibility

• checking out of the situation

Listen, if I had to respond to a sticky issue without the benefit of these Tough Talk tips, I might be a bit defensive too.

When we see defensive behavior in someone else, we know something’s not right. We can sense it. It’s a “tell.” They’re deflecting or blame-shifting and seem like they’re more interested in how they look than whether they solve a problem or not. We can see what they can’t and it’s damaging to their credibility.

Here’s what I suggest you do. Regularly do an attitude check and develop a sense for when you’re taking up a defensive posture. Ask your trusted inner circle to let you know how you’re doing.

When you feel yourself getting defensive - or somebody points it out - stop and consider why. My pastor used to tell us that when we start reacting emotionally, we need to stop, pull the emotion up by the root and examine it to figure out why. In this case, doing that will help you figure out what’s making you feel defensive so you can address that before you try to tackle your sticky issue.

It will help you do a better job delivering your messages if you can spot and cure your tendency to become defensive.

If you really can’t tell when - or even if - you’re projecting a defensive posture, then practice with a team member until they tell you that you’re radiating confidence, humility, calm and patience.

Don’t start the Tough Talk until you know that you won’t give off a defensive vibe.