In January of this year I started writing down the most effective bits of advice I use to coach people who must talk about a sticky issue. These Tough Talk tips are based on my more than twenty years of experience so they’re battle-tested and useful for situations at work, at home and in between.
None of these are my purely original thinking; they’re simply the tips I’ve put into practice that have helped people navigate something difficult. There has been some trial and error, so what’s included here are the tips that have proven most helpful.
Now that we’ve reached Tip #20, we’re at the end of my list of favorites, but I’ll still be talking about how to have a Tough Talk on this site so don’t go anywhere. Remember, we need to keep working at this so we can solve problems by speaking with clarity and purpose in a world that is only going to get more distracting and confusing. Let’s make sure that stops with us.
The tips go in order, so start at number 1 if you have the time. Each tip is listed below with a link. Start at the beginning or click the link on one that interests you.
Tip #1 - be brave and decide to have the difficult conversation.
Tip #2 - communicate to solve the problem.
Tip #3 - say as much as you can upfront and get it behind you.
Tip #4 - don't say everything! Leave out the unhelpful bits.
Tip #5 - use words we all understand. Be inclusive.
Tip #6 - people will make up their own facts if you don’t start talking. Get in the fray.
Tip #7 - think of the “evergreen” questions people will ask. Start there.
Tip #8 - give your “dreaded question” some thought too. That builds confidence.
Tip #9 - it won’t be perfect but folks are likely to cut you slack if you try to fix it.
Tip #10 - you must have a plan because it’s not just a conversation.
Tip #11 - don’t over communicate. Keep it simple and strategic.
Tip #12 - use real words that have meaning. No word salad.
Tip #13 - be interesting. Say something your audience can remember and repeat.
Tip #14 - get your head right. Your attitude will contribute to your success or not.
Tip #15 - beware of over-explaining. Don’t offer a multi-layered reason.
Tip #16 - it’s okay to say, “I don’t know.” It happens no matter how prepared you are.
Tip #17 - you’re not a robot, so don’t act like one. Emotions are good!
Tip #18 - choose the correct audience. Not everyone needs to hear from you.
Tip #19 - say it in writing. Sometimes a written statement is best.
And now, we reach Tip #20 - you can’t reach everyone.
More than 15 years ago I was coaching a group of leaders in a conference room in Seattle. One of them - Major Rob Birks (though he was probably a Captain then) - reminded me that there will always be some people who still won’t be willing to listen or believe what we say.
He’s correct and I’ve remembered to tell others that ever since.
You could do everything right and execute perfectly on all of the other 19 tips that I shared here and still struggle to connect with some parts of your audience.
Once some people have decided what to believe, even the most effective and reasonable presentation of the truth will not win them over.
This is an important consideration to keep in mind. You're not trying to reach everybody; you're trying to reach the people who are able to listen, consider your words and make a decision to trust what you say.
There will always be holdouts who will cling to their position no matter what you say. They are not able to be swayed because they likely have an agenda, a bias, or a dog in the fight and are determined to oppose you. It’s not you, it’s them.
That is probably going to happen whenever you have a Tough Talk. That’s the way of things. There are going to be a few non-converts.
You have my permission to thank them for listening and then move on. Not everyone can go where you’re going.
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